TED SHUMAKER
By Emily Easley
I wanted to interview Ted because I
love his radio show "The Gay Beach" and he does really great
impressions of Michael Baisden and Ken Dashow. Ted spilled some secrets
about his teenage years in Detroit and told me what the "gay" in the
Gay Beach is really about.
EE: So how'd you first get into radio?
TS: Well, I went to college in Cincinnati and studied radio and television and video. We had the NPR hub at Xavier, my school. I got to do a slot, and that was the first time I ever got to be on the radio, and that was really sweet.
Had you always known that that's what you wanted to do?
I had always done that thing - like even when I was in high school, I was a total dork. I would go up into my mom's watercolor studio and pretend that I was doing a radio show. I was just pretending I was on the air playing like INXS CDs and stuff. But yeah, I was kind of obsessed with it, so I guess I've always sort of liked doing it.
Did all of your friends listen to radio, too,
or was it just you?
Well, it's kind of big in Detroit because you're driving
everywhere. There was this cool station called 89X, Modern Rock, and
you'd hear like, you know, "Homo Sapien" by Pete Shelley next to Jane's
Addiction, and they played Simple Minds "Promise Me a Miracle" all the
time, and then like, it would go next to Nirvana.
Were you really into Nirvana?
Nah, I didn't really - well, I liked it, but I guess I didn't wanna like it because it was popular. I didn't know much music until maybe my junior year. And then I started buying 45s and then I met this friend of mine who had an older brother who kind of listened to 60s garage rock. And I was really into that.
Did you do drugs?
No. I went to the Phish concert with the total stoner of the
high school, but I was just like, "Oh cool, you've got a ticket? Sweet,
I'll go see Phish."
I didn't hang out with the jocks, so I didn't know that there were keg
parties. And then I went to one and I was like, "What the fuck is Dan
Jernesek doing, like, puking in the corner?" I was like, "You're
supposed to be the plus student of the school - or, like these morons."
I was like, "God, this is so weird."
So you thought it was lame.
Yeah, I mean, I smoked pot once I think. But I wanted to hang
out with, like, real people. This sounds so clichéd. God, this is so
awesome. I wanted to hang out with real people, Mom. That's
why I tried pot!
So what happened when you smoked pot?
It was - I'm gonna give props to my friend Ginger, thank you.
Uh, ha ha ha - it was in her loft in Detroit. I was probably like
sixteen. And there was this band Roosevelt's Inaugural Parade playing
next door, who were like, awesome. And I was like, "Oh cool, I guess
I'm like, stoned. But I don't really think I am." Yeah, I didn't really
get high. Maybe I didn't smoke it right or something.
Ginger owned this awesome vintage clothing store in Port Huron, which
is where I was born, which is north of Detroit like an hour. Just total
rust-belt, blue collar kind of - you know. And then Ginger moved to
downtown Detroit and we would just go up there and be like, "This is so
cool! Ginger lives in a loft!" It was like, "This
is rad. It doesn't matter if we're doing drugs or drinking."
Did you have sex with her?
No, no - she was only two years older than me, but it seemed
like this huge gap - she was way ahead. She dropped out of high school,
and lived on her own. She was eighteen when she started this friggin'
clothing place. Me and my brother were like her best customers. She had
really good taste.
So can you tell me about the town you grew up
in?
Saint Clair, Michigan. Four thousand people. We lived in the
rich neighborhood, and then there was like middle-class, and there was
just white trash. And it was all like, "Oh, you live in the
rich part of town, Ted. You suck!" So that's what I dealt
with all through growing up. So it was like, "Oh cool, okay,
I guess I do suck."
I grew up in Brooklyn Heights and went to
private school there, so it was like pretty much the same thing.
Yeah, but then I just went to this awful private school that
definitely through sixth and eighth grade was just like, terrible. I
went to school with like twenty kids throughout eight years - just
like, all fucking numb nuts. Not all of them, but dude - it was like
eighth grade and some kids were struggling at reading.
So then I go from that to ninth grade, which is like all boys' private
high school in Detroit, which is like insanely competitive. And I
didn't do very well.
Were you not really interested in any
academics?
Yeah, I didn't really understand the idea of like, trying to get good grades. I was like, "What's the big deal? Why can't we just, like, hang out?"
So do you have ADD or something?
Yeah. Which is a bunch of BS. They diagnosed me
with something. It was probably just adolescence, right? Like, dude
didn't wanna study. I just wanted to go off and write. Cos I was
writing at night, I was doing a zine in high school.
What kind of zine?
I was just really into weird 60s garage band culture and then
crazy science fiction bullshit from the 50s, and watching like
MST3K, and being kind of obsessed with weird flyers. I still
have three or four of them. They were, like, hilarious.
Did you have real distribution?
I dropped it off at some record stores and coffee houses and
I got some response from some people in Detroit. But then I just
advertised online, and some people subscribed.
Remember how ghetto the World Wide Web was in like 1993? Like it wasn't
even real, it was just like bulletin boards. It was just bulletin
boards! And you'd be like, "Oh, cool!" And it would just be some crappy
little punk room. So I just put an ad up, and then people started
responding, and then I was just kind of like, "Well, I guess that's how
you do it."
It's pretty cool that you decided to do that on your own. Because now the path is kind of paved for you - you know, you get a MySpace account...
Right. I guess I didn't really think anything of it. It was just that was what you did in 1993 or whatever. You didn't have any other options. "Well, if I'm at home in St. Clair..."
Was there porn online then?
Porn? No. Maybe there was like, hot chat.
Did you chat with people?
Yeah, I had some kooky little e-mail pen pals, who turned into real pen
pals.
Didn't you tell me you met the girl you lost your virginity to online?
Yeah. Yeah, I did. You cannot put that in there. I am such a lunatic.
What chat room were you in when you met her?
I have no idea. We just found each other talking about
probably dumb bands like Ned's Atomic Dustbin. And one thing led to
another - like, we wrote letters. Like Heyyy...!!! No,
it was pretty weird. She was crazy.
How was she crazy?
Just because, she was...I mean no offense if you're a Scorpio.
So I've heard some of your older radio shows
where it was just you on your own and you were just playing records.
And now on your show you kind of have everyone sitting around, talking
shit about people in Williamsburg. But I guess - has Gay Beach changed
since it started, and can you talk about how it's changed?
Well the first show, I was in the studio and it was upstairs,
so it was kind of funny. It felt like it was like, you know, the first
radio broadcast ever, like it was one of those old-timey,"I'm
broadcasting from a studio here in Pennsylvania." And it was
literally like that because I was just talking - I'd be like, "How many
listeners? Two. Me and my friend Casey in California." And then he
would call me and he'd be like "Dude, you sound awesome!
Play some metal!"
I think those are kind of cool tapes cos I'm just playing music and not
really sure what to talk about, and it wasn't quite as - you know, it
was pretty innocent. And then when we went downstairs and got on the
street, it changed a lot, cos then you're sort of involved in the
street and the people that walk by.
This last year, it's kind of turning into like, a bullshit chat show. I
don't wanna say that, but - I like to interview people on the street,
and then I like to have J. Penry or Milton come in, and then just talk
to people on the telephone. I think it's good to have the music, but I
think it's pretty awesome just to like, talk.
Does it ever feel weird how insular of a group it is? Cos you're talking about parties in Williamsburg, and sometimes I'll hear you talk about a specific person and I'm like - ooh, is that kind of like Heathers? I mean, Williamsburg already feels enough like high school.
Yeah,
I don't want it to be like that. I'm sort of learning to relax on the
air and talk, and I guess usually the first thing I think about - what'd
you do last night? Well, I went to Daddy's, and I went to a
dumb Brooklyn loft party, and um...I mean, I think it is kind of a
little elitist in a way, but at the same time, it's innocent, and
nobody's really doing anything like that. Usually I'm making
fun of it. I try not to fall back on the irony of Williamsburg so much.
I mean, it's losing its charm every second. But, you know, it's really
funny to make fun of.
But I do think that listeners are hearing it outside of New York, and
they probably don't know what the hell we're talking about, but they're
probably entertained. And I think people probably wanna hear what we
did at a dumb bar in New York if they live in San Clemente, California
or something, or some...London, England. I don't know. Who knows, maybe
it sounds retarded.
I mean, it is kind of lame when you think about all the issues that are
happening today and then all I do is talk about some dumb Brooklyn loft
party. But at the same time I try to make it entertaining. Sometimes I
sit there and go, "Oh yeah, I'm probably boring people." And then I
listen back to it again, and I'm like, "This is alright."
Wait, so tell me about the American Apparel thing?
They're starting a radio station that's basically gonna play in the stores. And my friend Matt approached me about it, cos he'd been hearing Gay Beach. So I started doing the voiceover stuff. You know, "You're listening to Viva Radio. And you're a fag!" or something. You know, just really over-the-top stuff that I'm doing.
I think it's great. Because finally - I've been doing this
retarded shit like all my life, like doing crazy voices or whatever and
making up these like, you know, little radio shows, and now maybe
someone wants to actually hear it. Or now I can do what I really like
doing. So that's kind of like awesome right now.
That is awesome.
Yeah, I guess I'm just really into the aesthetic of the
radio. Kind of just how bad radio is, but I still like it. And I sort
of take that as an influence, and then kind of do my own thing. I think
it's important because radio is so cool. Because it's so classic and so
like - nobody knows - I just appreciate the form so much.
I was reading your MySpace blogs and you had
this whole blog about homoeroticism. So it seems like that's a theme
with you - I mean, the "Gay Beach..."
Right, I don't know. I guess it's the idea that I went to an
all boys' high school, and then I didn't really hang out with that many
girls. It was kind of like this constant joke. Like, "Isn't it funny
that we make movies in high school about me being a gay dance
instructor, trying to teach people how to dance the Macarena?"
Gay is just always funny. I don't dislike gay people. I don't have that
many gay friends. Not really, actually at all. I mean, I guess it would
probably be weird if I had to come out or something. I guess I've never
really put myself in that position. That would probably suck.
Also, on the nights you DJ at Supreme Trading, it seems like there are more guys dancing with each other than girls, and it's like the only time I've ever been in a place where there are more guys dancing together than girls.
Yeah, that's because we're losers.
I was like, maybe Ted's part of a whole movement where guys
feel comfortable dancing with one another.
It sounds good when you say it,
but not so good when I say it. "Yeah, it's pretty awesome. We've got a
bunch of dudes - if you want to come out, it's really great and gay."
Um, no, I'm not trying to start a gay revolution.
You can listen to the Gay Beach every Wednesday afternoon at
2pm to 4pm at www.eastvillageradio.com
and you can also find Ted at Viva Radio www.viva-radio.com/springbreak
.